i remember years and years ago when i couldnt wait to grow up.  i couldnt wait until i could drive and stay out later and eat whatever i wanted and just plain do whatever i want.  well, turns out my parents were right (all of our parents were right, damn it) and when you grow up you dont really get to do whatever you want.  i have been having great internal struggle recently regarding how i should find balance between what i want and what i have to do.  and then, how much of “have to do” is just me feeling guilty about not doing it and then the other person just not liking me?  in general i think that my fear of being disliked gets me into far too many situations i dont want to be in to begin with.  i also think i give up a lot for my partner and there are days i wonder what exactly i am getting back.  i am sure at this moment i am just bitter and much later when i am out of the warm embrace of irritation (how nice to see you again) i will be able to spout off the things that my partner does give to me.  just for example, i do know he is grateful to me for lots of things and he tells me this all the time… but (i know, but but but, i shouldnt say “but”) i feel like i lose myself sometimes in becoming the “us.”  maybe i am not cut out for a relationship, much like i do not believe i am cut out for adulthood, or friendships, or motherhood, or well… anything that normal people are supposed to participate in because… i dont know, i guess because there are people who have told me im not that good at functioning and that is a whole different story.  i just wonder if i am supposed to be with this person that i believe in and admire and respect and all those good things when there are days i feel like we are on two seperate islands and there havent been bridges for years and years.  i know there is always the good and the bad and i know there is always hardship and then periods of solace.  but how much slack should i give and still know that the rope is taut enough to keep me from smashing into the ground when i do release?  i like to always think that my problem with paul is money.  mostly that there is never enough of it.  but i know from reading… well, anything… from cosmo to carl jung that we, as human beings, place blame on something vague when really there is something much more precise underneath.  i guess i spend a lot of days trying to figure out what that tiny thing is that bothers me.  if it is that tiny or if the tiny-ness of it is only metaphorical.  i cant answer that because i dont yet know.  i search for those answers and i dont know if that is supposed to be part of a relationship.  before i met paul, i hadnt been in a relationship for almost four years… and now that my relationship with him is nearing that four year mark (well, it has been three and a half, but four years is coming)… i am just making sure i am in the place i want to be.  how much of my relationship should be who i am and who he is and who we are and compromising and all of those things?  is there a scale or a balance or a handbook or an instructional video?  why do things that when they are going so right seem so easy and when you begin to question the ebb and flow of the every day, suddenly it is so hard?  the specifics of my situation are not important… i am just a lady trying to figure out what is next and asking the few readers i have for suggestions… what are some ways you have had to deal with internal struggles?  where do you leave off or stand up in your relationships?  when do you find you should compromise and when do you find you should walk away?  how do you remain yourself and also accept someone else as your partner?  how do you not give in?  how do you not feel like you have failed?  how do you make it through the day some days?  any advice is welcome… via comments, my email, or by phone… let me know what you guys are out there thinking.  im asking for advice here, and i need some of your nuggets of wisdom… what is it that works for you?