dear universe:

lately i feel you have been collapsing down around me.  here i am, all excited and feeling good about some decisions i have been making and then, BOOM!, you hit me hard and knock me down to the ground.  i only now am starting to catch my breath.  that fall really knocked the air straight out of me.  i am wallowing and do not want to be.  i want to feel normal.  i want to feel solid.  you have taken paul, and instead of making him less a part of my life (i thought i had made clear that was what i wanted), you put him right back there in the center… let him lay casually in our bed while i sleep on the couch and force me to watch him waste away in my home.  i cant take it.  i cannot take it.  i know everything will be fine and i just have to be strong and breathe through it, but it is hard right now, and i needed you to know. 

in other news, i am so elated that you let the stars align for one of my dearest, oldest friends, and gave to her and her family the blessing they have been awaiting for so long.  i am elated for them and for the sheer hopefulness of the entire situation.  i am reeling inside with the joy you have given them in the special news, and how happy i am that everything is looking up in that area.

finally, even with the constant curveballs you have been throwing at me, help me stay strong and convicted in the plans i have laid and the goals i have set out to achieve.  i need your backing… i need to know that i am doing all the right things, even in light of deterrents, like crying at work the other day over the dumbest thing (how could you let me do that, how could you?).  i need to feel like some power out there in the cosmos is keeping me in check.  just help me make sure i am aligning all my forces on the right front.  keep me steady.  because even a light wind right now might push me over… and know just how badly i want to stand.