happiness

oscillatingintentions — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 16:02:12 +0000

i havent written anything here in over a year. and last year when i did write, it was about how content i had become with my life and my time here back in indiana. since then, it has only gotten better. i met a sweet and amazing man, and together we made a sweet and amazing baby. i intend to pick back up where i left off and write about my struggles and insecurities, as well as my joys and successes. how interesting it is to be a mother– something i never thought i would want; something i never thought i would be. but for right now, i am just stopping by. stopping by to say that i am back and you can expect more from me soon…

and so i keep meaning to… what?

oscillatingintentions — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 20:59:40 +0000

so, i keep meaning to do something, say something, write something… but i dont know exactly what it is i should be meaning. i dont know if that even makes sense. so i will write about the beautiful spring days last week followed by some less Lovely days (but you know how much i Love the rain, so, even that was okay for me), and then todays day. maybe springtime rushes up into my soul and makes me long to write more than i usually do. maybe all the pushing up of flowers and then cool breezes makes my heart have more words than usual. whatever it is i just feel compelled to write. but i dont feel like i have things to write about. maybe i will just tell a story about a springtime day a few years ago… god, i guess it was five years ago… anyway, i remember it like no time has passed. it was a day like today is… sunny, cool breeze, some of the first sun i had seen after a long, oregon winter. and while all the trees were lush with lime green moss and creamy lichens, the sun felt amazing that day. my roommate was at work, but her friend was in town, and i had the day off work. i convinced him to get in my car, and we went for a drive. we hit all the country roads out past narups gravel, and we headed into the small town for beers. cold pbr on a warm spring day sounded like heaven. and we headed west on highway six and just kept driving. our destination was a tiny foot bridge out past the campsites at lees camp and down to the shores of the wilson river to have some beer in the sun and stick our bare feet in the water. it was beautiful. cold water, cold beer. god, we sat there for hours and laughed and talked and it was absolutely incredible. we joked about just heading for the coast since we were half-way there. something seemed right about moving from river to ocean that day, but we didnt have enough gas or enough money in our pockets. we reminisced about other times we had been to that pacific shore and the sea foam lapped at our toes and the salty air tickled all our senses and the surroundings made us feel like our bellies had leapt up into the coast range and the pine trees made tiny juniper circles in our minds. that magical, magical ocean. ahh. so, we retreated from the river banks and left our spring time day behind. on the way home we opened our car windows and sang songs by eric clapton, billy joel, and the indigo girls. we laughed with our entire bodies. i watched the sun set in my rear view mirror. we had beauty in our bellies. we came home and made delicious artichokes and pasta for dinner. we celebrated our spring day in the best way. and who knew five years ago that five years from then i would be writing a story about it? who knew i would be back in indiana and thoroughly enjoying it for the first time in a long time? who knew back then that the spring today would be so incredibly beautiful? and who ever believed back then that i would be able to admit today that i am really happy here right now; in this exact moment? certainly not me…

i am not alone in springtime…

oscillatingintentions — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 20:14:41 +0000

today is a beautiful day and i am going to go take full advantage of it. i have been inside and job searching for much too long and the nearly 70-degree air out there is making me long for the outdoors. so, i am packing up my dog and taking her to the dog park so she can run and frolic with all the other pups. she will be elated. i am very much looking forward to it. i need to write here more often. i have been doing a lot of writing in a lot of different ways and i havent quite been able to write here about some of the things that have been happening with that writing or about some really Lovely, positive things happening in my life right now (springtime is one of those, though)… anyway, i need to do that soon. and i am looking very forward to telling the few of you that stop in here from time to time all about these things. i just need to find the right ways to express them. happy spring to everyone… now, off to make my doggy smile!

wherein i remind myself of the good…

oscillatingintentions — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:31:38 +0000

i just needed to document this day, this moment, this special time for me. and i am not sure what any of it really is yet or means yet or anything like that. but i wanted to write down something solid. and remind myself that sometimes things are good in my life. really, really good. the i-cant-stop-smiling kind of good. and the giddy kind of good. and the butterfly-tummy good. and this is one of those times. and this is one of those days. and i just have to remember that sometimes, just sometimes, everything seems right in the world and everything seems in place. and it might not last forever, but, damn, it feels good when it happens. i must relish in it, because i have no idea how long it might last. today is good. this week is good. remember the good.

but we’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy…

oscillatingintentions — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 23:39:40 +0000

i returned from a retreat to oregon only four days ago. i had an amazing time. i bonded with my girls, the ocean, and the trees. i cried for the beauty. i cry too often. the Love overwhelmed me there. i drank good wine, great beer, and wallowed in joy. i stared into my soul. i stared at the coast range. i stared into the sun. i waded into the pacific ocean and cried. i saw Loved ones huddled near a beach fire and laughed. i felt all emotion. i drank deep from oregons cup. i left nothing empty. i smoked with friends and told stories and entangled hearts and felt in Love again. i learned that when i moved to oregon to fall in Love, well, i did. i fell in Love with her, with oregon. and i miss her. i miss the misty rain and the pine trees and the feel. i miss the general wetness. i am like a nun, i discovered… but i am married to oregon; to home; to my true north(west). i saw valleys and tress and lots of lady Love and Lovely old(er) hippies. i smoked, and drank, and smiled again… were old seahags, man, we cant really ever win. but what i learned is what im learning how to figure out… im always one step away from crazy… i know at any time i could lose my shit and find myself in deep depression or hearing a million voices. i could need medicine or therapy. i could need anything. but when im there, when im with oregon, i dont need it. she keeps me sane. she is my one true Love. and i can no longer deny it and i cant tell lies about her or how happy she makes my heart. and if i end up single after all these years, thats okay with me. and thats what i learned. oregon is my Lover. and if anyone tries to cross us, watch out! we are unfaltering. and we will be back together soon. and other than that,i dont care what anyone thinks… it is how i feel… and i know just the honey to move back with me…

i saw you standing all alone in the electrostatic rain…

oscillatingintentions — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 22:10:15 +0000

i have been thinking for months about what it is i should write here. i am still unsure. all i know is that i am closer to being ready. closer to being back to myself. and closer to being ready to tell all the stories about it. right now, well, im on the lookout for words…

it is oh, so quiet…

oscillatingintentions — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:27:14 +0000

it has been one week since paul left our home. the first few days i ignored it. since then it has set in. heavy. it is a good heavy, though… the kind of drop in your belly you get from a roller coaster or when a plane takes off. i have spent days cleaning and rearranging the home. i have not slept in the bed in weeks. i do not intend to until i get my new sheets that i ordered. they should be here any day. i look forward to the change. i am looking forward to many things right now. it has been so long now since i have felt like myself; felt like doing things for myself… and now i do. and it is truly amazing. i feel like the light inside of me got turned back on again and i walk around with a silly grin on my face each day. i just feel glad at this moment. and i am trying to breathe deeply and remember exactly how every second of this feels. it feels nice. and right now, it is all i could ask for. how interesting to be back in this place after four years together… and here it all is apart. the thing is, i thought i would mind… but i honestly dont. its just… pleasant.

i took the road less traveled

oscillatingintentions — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 20:24:56 +0000

today is the first day of the rest of my life. i am taking a deep breath and looking forward. i am looking forward to all of the new experiences i will have and even looking forward to the parts of my every day that i will have to relearn. i am looking forward to delving back into myself. i cannot wait to become reacquainted…

a letter to the cosmos

oscillatingintentions — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 15:03:58 +0000

dear universe:

lately i feel you have been collapsing down around me. here i am, all excited and feeling good about some decisions i have been making and then, BOOM!, you hit me hard and knock me down to the ground. i only now am starting to catch my breath. that fall really knocked the air straight out of me. i am wallowing and do not want to be. i want to feel normal. i want to feel solid. you have taken paul, and instead of making him less a part of my life (i thought i had made clear that was what i wanted), you put him right back there in the center… let him lay casually in our bed while i sleep on the couch and force me to watch him waste away in my home. i cant take it. i cannot take it. i know everything will be fine and i just have to be strong and breathe through it, but it is hard right now, and i needed you to know.

in other news, i am so elated that you let the stars align for one of my dearest, oldest friends, and gave to her and her family the blessing they have been awaiting for so long. i am elated for them and for the sheer hopefulness of the entire situation. i am reeling inside with the joy you have given them in the special news, and how happy i am that everything is looking up in that area.

finally, even with the constant curveballs you have been throwing at me, help me stay strong and convicted in the plans i have laid and the goals i have set out to achieve. i need your backing… i need to know that i am doing all the right things, even in light of deterrents, like crying at work the other day over the dumbest thing (how could you let me do that, how could you?). i need to feel like some power out there in the cosmos is keeping me in check. just help me make sure i am aligning all my forces on the right front. keep me steady. because even a light wind right now might push me over… and know just how badly i want to stand.

out of step

oscillatingintentions — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:12:30 +0000

id like to figure it out

with you– (id like

to cease spinning) and

id like you to cushion

my falls.

id like to quit talking

in circles

(enciting equilibrium).

id like to balance it out

with you and

inspire our own

passionate vertigo.

i wrote that poem a little over a year ago. i never imagined that the poem would somehow mean something different to me an entire year later. the sadness has washed over this poem, because i have finally realized that you cannot coerce someone… you cannot create a fiery, beautiful Love story when the Love has simply evaporated… and left behind only after-thoughts and wouldas and shouldas and water marks. i am sure that one day i will dance again and someone will be able to create instability in my earth and when i feel unsteady their Love will catch me without stigma; without jealousy; without ill-will… and then i will write more beautiful poems and the sad ones simply wont seems so sad…