and so, it is just after 10 am where i am supposed to be. i am supposed to be packing my things up into my backpack and preparing, like my other lady friends, to spend a few days on the oregon coast. reconnecting with one another, and the land, and the sea, and everything in-between. but i am at work, and i am writing this. and mostly all i can think about is how much fun i hope they all have. and how i hope they catch a million crabs. and how i hope they drink too much and laugh too loud and find themselves thinking of me on that dock… wishing i was there. and knowing that i wish i were there too. out on the pacific coast… thinking it is cold and wet and smelly and i have had too much to drink and i am laughing too loud and that there is just no other place i would want to be in the whole world at that moment. and it is true, there is no other place i want to be right now. i Love all you ladies with my entire soul. and oregon, how i miss you… oh, how you light fires in my belly. have wonderful times together… and be sure when you return back to the interior over that mighty coast range and back east along that wilson river, you let me know of your travels… let me know every detail of the salt on your lips and the wind in your hair. let me know how the sunset evenings tasted and how the morning fog condensed on your faces. how i wish i were there, oh, how i wish i were there…
i remember years and years ago when i couldnt wait to grow up. i couldnt wait until i could drive and stay out later and eat whatever i wanted and just plain do whatever i want. well, turns out my parents were right (all of our parents were right, damn it) and when you grow up you dont really get to do whatever you want. i have been having great internal struggle recently regarding how i should find balance between what i want and what i have to do. and then, how much of “have to do” is just me feeling guilty about not doing it and then the other person just not liking me? in general i think that my fear of being disliked gets me into far too many situations i dont want to be in to begin with. i also think i give up a lot for my partner and there are days i wonder what exactly i am getting back. i am sure at this moment i am just bitter and much later when i am out of the warm embrace of irritation (how nice to see you again) i will be able to spout off the things that my partner does give to me. just for example, i do know he is grateful to me for lots of things and he tells me this all the time… but (i know, but but but, i shouldnt say “but”) i feel like i lose myself sometimes in becoming the “us.” maybe i am not cut out for a relationship, much like i do not believe i am cut out for adulthood, or friendships, or motherhood, or well… anything that normal people are supposed to participate in because… i dont know, i guess because there are people who have told me im not that good at functioning and that is a whole different story. i just wonder if i am supposed to be with this person that i believe in and admire and respect and all those good things when there are days i feel like we are on two seperate islands and there havent been bridges for years and years. i know there is always the good and the bad and i know there is always hardship and then periods of solace. but how much slack should i give and still know that the rope is taut enough to keep me from smashing into the ground when i do release? i like to always think that my problem with paul is money. mostly that there is never enough of it. but i know from reading… well, anything… from cosmo to carl jung that we, as human beings, place blame on something vague when really there is something much more precise underneath. i guess i spend a lot of days trying to figure out what that tiny thing is that bothers me. if it is that tiny or if the tiny-ness of it is only metaphorical. i cant answer that because i dont yet know. i search for those answers and i dont know if that is supposed to be part of a relationship. before i met paul, i hadnt been in a relationship for almost four years… and now that my relationship with him is nearing that four year mark (well, it has been three and a half, but four years is coming)… i am just making sure i am in the place i want to be. how much of my relationship should be who i am and who he is and who we are and compromising and all of those things? is there a scale or a balance or a handbook or an instructional video? why do things that when they are going so right seem so easy and when you begin to question the ebb and flow of the every day, suddenly it is so hard? the specifics of my situation are not important… i am just a lady trying to figure out what is next and asking the few readers i have for suggestions… what are some ways you have had to deal with internal struggles? where do you leave off or stand up in your relationships? when do you find you should compromise and when do you find you should walk away? how do you remain yourself and also accept someone else as your partner? how do you not give in? how do you not feel like you have failed? how do you make it through the day some days? any advice is welcome… via comments, my email, or by phone… let me know what you guys are out there thinking. im asking for advice here, and i need some of your nuggets of wisdom… what is it that works for you?
today is friday and it is the beginning of the weekend in only a few hours. i have never so tightly clung to something as i do my weekends away from this workplace… they seem much shorter than weekends in the past. maybe it is because i am getting older or maybe it is because my weekends mean something different than they used to. i dont know what it all means. but i do know that this friday is going to start my new trend into fall… rum and pepsis on the porch might have to be traded in this week for something more weather appropriate… maybe hot toddies on the porch in the intermittent rainy mist with a blanket around my shoulders, watching the dogs roll and frolic in the damp grass. in oregon especially i would look forward to fall… when the days after work that my friends tamara and pattie previously sat on the patio drinking gin and tonics or margaritas or wheat beers would muddle into the beautiful walk down to the yardhouse (where not many customers visited). we would light a fire (unless it was already lit) and open some windows. we would drink “peppermint patties” or hot toddies or hot buttered rums and smoke cigarettes and talk about christmas and snow and what fall would be like this time around. and i wonder, what will fall be like this time for me? last year’s fall did not accurately set in, as i had just returned to indiana and had no senses about me yet. so, this fall… i just hope it will be beautiful. i hope that it will be warm with campfires and cuddling and colors. in this fall, like this weekend, i hope that i will become a little more content… if not with where i am, than at least relishing in the people i am with.
today is one of my favorite days ever… the first day where i can smell in the air the colors the leaves are soon to turn. the day that i hold my breath for a moment in the early morning breeze due to the chill that overcomes me. the day that i fall in Love no matter where i am in the world. this is the day when i know autumn is on the cusp of our days… relishing me in all my hopes of reds and oranges and yellows and greens, campfire-y smells in the air and the crisp, crinkly crackly noise of the leaves under my feet. i am ready. i am ready. autumn, wrap around me, because i Love your season.
i decided today to write about some things that weigh on my mind more than they should, i am sure, or maybe not enough… i dont know. i wanted to share some of my secrets. and some of them arent really that secret-like. and some of them i cant fully unveil yet… but i want to write them down. i want to practice making myself admit pieces of myself that only a handful of people know. i have to allow myself to be all the parts of me i know i am… and not fear if my friends will still Love me or my family will still be around… i put far too much pressure on myself to be someone everyone likes. the truth is… i dont know if i am all that like-able. so… in no particular order…
- i had deep feelings (unrequited, of course) for a boy years ago and he fell in Love with my sister, and she with him. it hurt me deeply and tragically. i got over it in time, but i never understood why if either of them cared about me why they would do that to me. i figured, in the long run, it wasnt about me. i sold myself short. i wanted my sister to be happy, though… her happiness is everything in the world to me.
- on the note of my sister, i admire her and want to be like her more than anyone in the world. she is beautiful and kind, energetic and sweet, sarcastic and intelligent. i am sure i have done her a thousand wrongs over our years as family, but she means more to me than anyone i have ever known. she is goregeous from the inside out.
- i snore when i sleep on my left side.
- i always drink on friday nights. even if it is only one drink. fridays=alcohol in my system.
- i have never been somewhere as beautiful as oregon… well, the pacific northwest in general. i resent that i am not living there right now. i no longer blame/resent my partner for not being there. that took me a lot of time. i look very forward to going back to visit. and eventually, to live, and begin a family.
- i still do not know if i want to have a child.
- i do not think i would be a good mother.
- in september of 2005 i made a decision that i will never be able to change. my mind goes back and forth and back again about whether that decision was the right one. at this moment, it was. there are definitely days that it wasnt.
- i could eat pizza every day of the week.
- i think my hair tells a story.
- before i met paul, i spent some time with a man that enjoyed hanging out with me, drinking, playing games, and fooling around. one night he woke up, evidently still drunk and confused with his whereabouts. he got out of bed and stumbled around. he kicked my dog and i heard her yelp. i yelled at him to stop and lay back down and calm down. he got into bed and kicked me and slapped me and made me yell and cry. the worst part is i felt worse for my poor dog than i did for myself. i never allowed myself to be in that situation with him again.
- someone introduced me once as “lydia… she would do anything for anybody.” and it moved me. and i still like to think that is true. and that other people would say that to someone who didnt know me, too.
- i want to be comfortable. i dont know if there is a “comfortable.”
- i fell in Love with the sand at rockaway beach.
- there is a girl out there that helped shape who i am and we dont talk anymore and i am sure i think about her too much and i am sure she thinks i think about her too much and i know we are perpetuating or own bullshit destinies… but i wish i still knew her and her Loves and fears and joys and disappointments and plans and all the things that make her who she is. i have to find a way to make peace with myself that she does not want to know those things about me anymore.
- i miss doing yoga every single day i breathe. i dont do it anymore because i am lazy. and because its either too hot or too dark in the mornings to get to it (i am so good at making excuses… i know its the lazy thing).
- i drink… but i dont drink as often or as much as i did through my last few years of college, the years that followed that, or my first few years in oregon. i do not miss it. there are days though, my insides stir and i feel like boredom or restlessness could be solved with alcohol.
- i give up.
- i pretend to want to take the winding road, but really i just want to do what is easiest.
- im learning nothing is “easiest.”
i am sure there are so many more. but i feel like i am lighter already. i wish it were more beautiful.
an old friend of mine once wrote me a letter… nearly ten years ago… and told me how he would like to sit down and share stories with me. i dont remember where or when, but i remember he said he would want to bring along a six-pack of beer and just talk and talk until our voices were the only sounds left next to the crickets and the bullfrogs or something perfectly full of adjectives. i think back now to that friend and the times we have shared our stories, and there werent always six-packs or sunshine or any of those things. i remember walking around watching lady bugs swarm and talking about a girl with tan skin and long golden hair. i remember laughing over whiskey shots and deep drags on cigars in a friends room that was too tiny for all our ideas and our egos. i remember sober walks in the sun on fall afternoons with crunchy leaves and limestone and philosophies and cigarettes. i remember heineken and poetry. i remember shared homes and soulful paintings. i remember long drives out toward the lake with a celebratory spliff and winding around the railroad tracks and the oranges and the blues. i remember taking deep long breaths and wondering how he was feeling and at that moment he phoned and told me his long trip was just as expected and i smiled. i remember being away and sharing all the beauty i could manage about oregon. i remember how i havent seen him in years. and i remember that none of the stories were ever the way i expected them to be and now they are stories all on their own. and now, this person has written a story back into my life again and my new story is that i cant wait for the new stories… for the words that find themselves around the things we share and do. and i cant wait to hear how and where he has been. and like he said, it will all come in time, all the stories will lay themselves out for us… this time, though, i want to bring the offerings… this time, i will bring the half rack.
Filed under: Love
yesterday was my only day off of work. and after six days of work, just as many dealing with a cold, three days of paul having the same cold, and three dogs that need just as much attention as we each do, paul and i were exhausted. we got in a argument over something stupid which was basically me being pointedly mean and culminating in paul throwing a soda out the car window on our “pleasant sunday drive.” we returned home from that drive angry, sad, and dissatisfied. hours went by and we both eventually got over it, but today i got the nicest text message from him… and even though the argument was long over, it was pleasant to read his words and know that it was no longer upsetting… mostly, it is cute and funny… how i Love him…
“i just love you so much and i am painfully sorry for flippin out yesterday”
today i feel on the edge of something. something so overwhelming and heavy to hold. everything is seeping deep under my skin and the roil in my belly is close to bubbling out. my day is arduous and i want to escape from it all… but i cannot, because i am here, and i cannot leave for nearly five more hours. five more hours of people chewing gum too loudly and talking on the phone too loudly and everything is so LOUD today and i just cant concentrate on what i am supposed to do. and it is frustrating. and it makes me think of when i was a child. some of my best memories were under our piano. my sister and i used it as the center of our fort… packing pillows around the edges and streaming sheets from the top center. i would go there on my own for the quiet. the sweet release from everything. it was the place where adults existed only as far as their knees and no one could see me (because they wouldnt bother to look that low). it was incredible. i remember taking my books underneath there and reading to myself. as i grew older my stuffed animals would come under and share my books with me. sometimes my sister would pound on the keys, so i could hear what the echo was like below. how such a beautiful machine sounded from right underneath. and today i want it to be quiet. i want to be laying in a field or out on the pacific coast playing with paul and the dogs in the cool salt water wind with the sand between my toes. but im not any of those places. im not in fields, or sprawled on beaches, or even tucked away under pianos. today it is hard for me and everything is so loud.
i know i havent written in a while and, while i intend to write something of more substance than this soon… i just want to note… today i am sad. today i learned that yesterday leroi moore died.
i am venturing out to oregon in a few months for a nearly week-long stay with my favorite ladies in the whole world. we will spend three days and two nights at my favorite place on the coast. and other than that, i intend to relish everything around me… and that is all. oh, oregon, how i have missed you, and how i look forward to being back in your embrace… being apart from you has been so wearing on my soul. i know that a few months from now i will be in the realm of the the pine trees and the thick green moss, winding down the road next to you, sweet wilson river… i will have secret car cocktails with my ladies and we will fill the car with laughter and long stories. memories will be made through the coast range and up and over into the flat lands next to the sand… oh, beautiful, beautiful sand that stretches off into the pacific. i will walk out to the shore through the place where the inevitable thick fog meets the sea mist… and my being will part through that salty spray and i will dig my feet deep into the sand and the waves will lap around my ankles and i will be whole. after whatever cocktail concoctions we come up with (depending on our moods, whiskey and sprite, gin and tonics, or frozen margaritas), we will have a few and pack a cooler full of budweiser and sunflower ipa… pattie will bring the fifth of tanqueray along just for fun… and we will hop in the car and head straight down to the dock. we will set up our station and throw our rings in and wait (sometimes not so patiently) for the crabs. i will feed stale bread to the sea gulls. pattie and tamara will coo at the sea lions. ronae will crack open a bud and tell stories loudly. candace will drink quietly, and speak softly when i stare out at the landscape with her. we will laugh and drink and smell sea salt on our hands. we will stop feeling the sway of the dock beneath our feet, because, at some point, we all realize we are here and the world is what spins beneath us. we will take too many pictures, listen to too much elton john, drink far too much and catch plenty of crabs. we will carefully cook and eat and enjoy our capture and later, reminisce on our long drive and beautiful day on the dock, and delicious dinner– all over the open fire on the sand. we will wade through driftwood and delirium to make it back to our cottage… and we will know that we cant wait to wake up and do it all over again. beautiful days at the coast, Lovely ladies of the pacific northwest… i cannot wait to share my time with you.
